You are not alone. We see you, we hear you, we are with you.

How do you tell your story? When you sit down and  your mind is bombarded with countless images, snapshots, memories?

My story is one of love, loss…and peace.

I've been through 1 ectopic pregnancy, 2 neonatal deaths, 5 miscarriage and the birth of two gorgeous boys, who are now 10 and 13yrs old.

My twin boys, Mason and Cole were born on the 11th of Dec 2008 at 24 weeks gestation. I had gone into premature labour, for no apparent reason. By the time I met my midwife at the hospital, it was too late; nothing could be done to stop them coming.

Both my sons were born with big cries, and were promptly whisked away in incubators. The one thought I had was, ”They're breathing, they'll be ok!”.

Mason died 6 hours later. When they had incubated him, the tube was placed in his esophagus instead of his trachea. He had not been getting oxygen. We had been called in to make a decision - keep working to keep him alive or stop medical intervention.

I sobbed, gasping ” oh God…I don’t know what to do”. The head of neonatal looked at me and said, her voice catching, “If it were me, I would hold my son”.

And that’s what Aaron and I did; we held Mason and we said goodbye in the Garden Room. Our son had lived for 6 hours and we hadn’t had a chance to be his parents. But in the Garden room, our wonderful NICU nurse gave us that gift. We learned how to hold him, how to bathe him,  and how to dress him. We were given the chance to parent our son…and to grieve.

Everything then went into Cole. There were surgeries, resuscitations, tears, and laughter. Every gram gained was a victory. My husband read to him every day, I sang to him every day.  There were countless nights spent chatting with his nurses, talking about their live, speculating about what Cole would do with his life.

Then came that night. The harsh ringing of the phone in the darkness, the pounding on the door. We were being called in again.

We rushed in and he was surrounded. I knew, we were losing him. I stood there and I looked into my beautiful boy's eyes and told him my truth, “You and your brother are the best thing I have ever done.” And I meant it.

After 40 days, Cole left us to join his big brother Mason. Again we found ourselves in the bubble of the Garden Room. I was able to hold my son freely, without the tubes and iv’s. I was able to lay in bed with him, kiss his cheeks, cradle him against me. I was able to say goodbye.

I've raised my living sons Harley and Grayson to know their brothers, to know of the heartache and the loss. But they also know of the moments of joy and pure love that came with it all.

It's been 16 years…and the grief can still come out of nowhere and hit me with such raw force. But I also feel a sense of peace now…knowing that they touched so many lives..that their being here made a difference.

Wherever you are on your journey, please know that you are not alone. We see you, we hear you, we are with you.

Sands New Zealand was a lifeline for me during those dark days that followed the boys deaths. In those support meetings, I was able to take off my mask, I could say their names out loud. I could cry, laugh, rage. I could be me with my losses.

Mason and Cole have forever changed me. I’ve learned to listen more and to love more. They have made me a better woman.

Thank you my sons, Mama loves you.