1 in every 200 pregnancies ends in stillbirth in New Zealand. I am one in 200.

Dear me,

I am sorry it's taken so long to write.

Please forgive me that I never gave you time to process the shock of the losses and I rushed you to continue on as normal so you could feel normal and recover.

I apologise I forced you to paint a fake smile on your face, and pretend to the world that all was okay while your heart was silently breaking into millions not once but twice, how many times could your heart break?

I am truly sorry that when your heart was pounding and your body was shaking, I made you return to what life was, what life was before as I bought into this lie that I should appear like I was moving on and my wounds were healed and I was okay and that everyone around you was okay.

I hated that this resulted in your hands being sweaty, weeping in private and alone and having panic attacks in places you wouldn't expect to have them.

You needed time, and you needed time to heal, and I robbed you of that. 

I understand and regret that by insisting you fake happiness, you wept on your own and learned to hide the pain everyday when you were really breaking and those around you were unaware that you really needed them to wipe the tears and pick the pieces up for you and show you how to start gluing them together again.

Your loss, your pain and your heart cries all deserve to be heard and I am truly sorry I robbed you of that.

Losing a baby in pregnancy through miscarriage or stillbirth is still a taboo subject worldwide, linked to stigma and shame.

1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage here in New Zealand. Losing a baby during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called a miscarriage. This is fairly common – probably 1 or 2 out of every 10 pregnant women miscarry. There’s no reason for most miscarriages – it’s nobody’s fault. The signs of a miscarriage vary for each woman.

Losing a baby after the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is called stillbirth. About 1 in every 200 pregnancies ends in a stillbirth here in New Zealand.

I am one in 200, my name is Ella, I am a mother of three, and two of my children were still born and were born 12 months apart.

We decided the time was right to start trying for our second child, we didn't think for a second we would have any issues especially since our first was so straightforward. It took us 9 months to get our positive pregnancy test, we were over the moon.

My first loss happened in 2021, my fiance had been away for work for two weeks and was due home the day before our 20 week scan I was so excited as it was our gender scan as we had been given the all clear from our NPIT test and it meant we could see baby as our last scan was at 12 weeks, my bump was growing and had a relatively text book pregnancy, apart from morning sickness, and fatigue, I was doing good.

Big brother was so in love with the bump, I remember one day I texted my midwife and mentioned that I stopped feeling sick as I felt that was strangely unusual, as I had morning sickness all the way through, Midwife came back, all is okay and that it was quite normal to stop feeling sick and that we would get to see baby in a couple days, fast forward to scan day I remember the night before waking up with insanely itchy feet and hands, but didn't think anything of it as tomorrow was scan day! 

Scan day was here. I had to drink a litre of water to ensure my bladder was full, and it was full!

We waited patiently for our turn and then we were finally called, the sonography scanned my belly and waved the wand over my tummy but she kept going over it and then the words every mother never wants to hear...

and all I remember saying was "do we need to pay for this scan?" The sonography rubbed my knee "No love, your midwife will call you with the next stage of action".

I was soon to find out that my baby girl had stopped growing around 15 weeks, and was going to be born at 21 weeks, I dreaded knowing that I was going to be birthing a baby which wasn't alive, I was angry at my body, my body continued to think it was pregnant, in my eyes my body failed me, my mind and heart couldn't' come to terms with it and I wasn't going to deal with it until the time came.

On the 3rd October 2021 our baby girl Pippa was born at 2.11pm and weighed 90grams, Pippa had suffocated with her umbilical cord round her neck twice and her arm. We called her our mini acrobat.

We had one person who we didn't know well in our journey but she said to me "Maybe you just can't carry a girl".

After we lost Pippa I questioned myself and began to question that one statement I heard but then one night a few days after the loss occurred our 3 year old son was sitting in the back seat in his carseat, we were driving along the dark country roads and the moon was full and bright, and his wee voice piped up

From that night forward we said goodnight to the Moon.

Fast forward to July 2022, my fiance and I were still luckily on the waitlist for IVF, I was going for a saline infusion scan to check everything was okay, I was asked to take a pregnancy test two days prior and it was negative, bloods were negative, we were good to go ahead! Woohoo!

Scan day rolled round and was pretty straightforward, and text book, the sonography asked the normal questions and ensured we had taken a pregnancy test and we confirmed I had and it was negative, and that I had bloods done which were negative and we were just about to start the saline infusion, and then the words just fell out "I am sorry I can't proceed, there is a very early pregnancy sac, I'll go confirm with a senior sonography but I am certain your 3 weeks pregnant and that may be why it hasn't shown up on bloods or your tests".

We waited for what felt like eternity and it was confirmed, that we had a very early pregnancy sac and that if I went to pee on a stick it would confirm pregnancy straight away, we were beyond excited, I peed on a stick and the lines were a dye stealer, two solid beautiful pink lines looking right back at us.

The new fear was installed, the what ifs, but my midwife checked my HCG regularly and listened to the heartbeat regularly of our beautiful rainbow baby, A rainbow baby is a term for a baby that's born after the parents have a pregnancy loss. The name draws on the symbol of the rainbow, representing beauty after a dark time.

Our obstetrician was positive and tried to give us light at the end of the tunnel to parents who have faced loss, "It will be like being struck by lightning if it were to happen twice"

We saw our baby regularly, down to fear of the loss of Pippa but we made the promise not to find out the baby's gender until they were born, the suspense was hard but i can guarantee you it was the best not knowing and it was exciting!

Again I had a text book pregnancy, regularly morning sickness of hugging the toilet bowl, and a routine of drinking water and having something dry to eat. My bump was growing and we were able to get excited for this wee bean. 

My midwife did a home visit two days before our 20 week scan, heart beat was strong and fast. I felt the baby kick the morning of the scan - all was okay! We were going to see baby!

We decided to take Master H with us as this was something he wanted to do with us as he was just as excited for us, the day came and we all went to the appointment excited.

We told Master H if he was quiet during the appointment he could choose a treat afterwards as he was so inquisitive and loved to ask questions!

We got set up in the room and the sonography introduced herself to all of us and we began, we saw baby's head and then she moved across and then the dreaded words came "I am sorry, I can't find what I'm looking for, I am going to get a senior staff member to check, I'll be right back".

The words were true as our baby had no heartbeat and Master H screamed a blood curling scream out and I was angry and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to leave but had to be rescanned to confirm that the baby had passed away. " I am so sorry there is no heartbeat, the hospital will call with the next stages".

All I could say out loud is "how am I here again exactly 12 months on from the last loss!?"

It was more a question to myself then them.

We were given the instructions of coming back to hospital to birth baby over the next couple days, but I wanted to wait till my my mum had arrived so she could be with Master H and we would go in on the Monday.

It felt drawn out and it felt like a whole lifetime had passed in between.

My labour was quicker this time and our second beautiful daughter was born in her sac on the 31st October 2022 weighing 290grams and we named her Emily.

Emily had over 29 knots in her cord.

Grief has no end date, Although the intensity of your feelings may lessen over time, there is no timeline for how long you will grieve. The length of time is different for each person..

When we grieve, we can't control the process. We can't control how long it takes or how many times it starts over.

As far as I can see my grief or your own personal grief will never truly end, it may be softer over time and you will begin to understand it better and some days will feel harder than others, but grief will last as long as love does forever.

It isn’t time that heals, it’s what you do over time that brings healing.

Moving on with your life does not have to mean forgetting.

What grief has taught me -

It’s ok to cry. Crying is a human reaction and it’s healthy. We must grieve in order to move forward. This is our way to release the pain. We don’t always have to be strong.

It’s ok to lean on others. We need each other. We can’t travel this path alone.

It’s ok to laugh on this journey.

There is hope. Every day might not be good but there is good in every day.

As I share my story of my two girls who dance amongst the stars and the Moon, I want you to know it's okay to carry on, I want you to know every emotion you feel is valid and that life doesn't need to stop because of the grief, your in charge of your own story.

Grief is like the ocean, it overwhelms you, knocks you down, swells and waves but sometimes there is calm in the storm too.

My girls helped me grow as a person but most of all they helped me grow to be a better version of myself for my son and my family.

We are now in 2025, Master H is almost 8, and in September 2024 we welcomed our light, our brightest rainbow into our lives - George who is now 6 months old. 

We always continue to say good morning to the sun and goodnight to the moon.

Our girls will always dance amongst the stars forever and dance amongst the moon light.